Weight Problem

Yes, you read it right, I am a man with a weight problem.

No, I am no where near the category of being overweight, in fact it is the exact opposite in my case.

I am losing weight drastically.

Could my constantly-bleak-state-of-mind finally take its toll on me?

But come to think of it, there are some other contributing factors to this too, courtesy of those bad habit that I can’t or too stubborn to shake.

Am I not eating well? Not really…How would you know if you are eating well or not when you are NOT eating at all?

More often than not, I found myself starving for no good reason. For one, I insist on not eating out alone, so whenever there’s no one to accompany me for meal, I would just skip that meal altogether regardless of how hungry I am.

Everything is fine on normal working day cause at least I get to have lunch with my colleagues. But for dinner and non-working weekend, I am pretty much on my own, and to make the matter worst, there is no one at home that can make a wholesome home-cooked dish. So there are actually plenty of chances for me to starve myself to death.

You probably think that I deserve every bit of the resulted consequences, since I consciously chose to do this to myself, so there should be no one to blame but me.

Yeah, I think the same way too, but nevertheless, I am not going to do anything about it, or rather, I don’t know any other way to get around this.

Just my non-proactive kind of way to combat the feeling of patheticness, a-loser-who-no-one-wants-to-have-meal-with.

By not eating? Now that’s so sad…and downright pathetic.

Am I running into the exact same thing that I was trying to avoid all along?

I don’t know anything anymore...Can’t think straight..

Pardon me, could be the starvation I am experiencing right now…

I want to share my meal time with others… I guess I ain’t a true blue Loner after all.

Shame on me! I disgrace my blog name!

Terrible Feelings

Where is everybody?

I wondered, As I am standing in the middle of nowhere.

For a fact, I am actually at the airport terminal now, yet It certainly doesn’t feel that way to me cos I’m so lost for not knowing what to do or which way to go next.

Can’t shake this lousy feeling off me.

Though a self-profess loner, I do know some human beings on the face of the earth that I can refer as ‘friend’.

But the thing is, they were either people that I am just not too anxious to meet upon coming back, or they were people that I care but were all too occupied to entertain me right this moment.

Yes, I know it’s nobody’s fault, but knowing a fact is one thing, convincing yourself to really buy into it…is another.

I guess I just wanna convince myself that there are actually someone waiting for my return, so I can tell myself that my existence are known to someone, anyone.

Which apparently not.

Well, in this life…SxxT happens.

I guess I would just continue to be a lone ranger, in a quest to that empty crib of mine.

Anybody there?

I am here.

An Eye For An Eye

Perhaps i shouldn't care for you that much, if you don't even know i'm alive.

Perhaps i shouldn't get too close to you, if you don't even want me to be around.

Maybe i should disappear from your eyesight, since i'm less than nothing to you.

Maybe i should ignore you altogether, since you have no feeling whatsoever for me.

I think i probably would.
I refuse to be a fool for nobody.
And being caught up in this messy emotional situation is definitely not a good move.
So i shall do unto you what you did unto me.
Even if it means losing a huge part of me.

I certainly care about you.
But not care enough to let you abuse me emotionally.
I just don't see the point in that...

Just Bitchin’

Phew...What a day!

I always wonder how a wise guy would act under an extremely lousy situation, with some great deal of emotional pressure thrown in.

Cause that almost got the best of me today.

I can go on pointing fingers and putting blame on everyone and everything surrounding me, but that ain't gonna solve a single thing, i would just end up being a pissed-off fool.

Gotta make myself a tougher guy who won't crack under pressure, no matter what.

I guess this is the only practical solution to get around this and kept all the negativity at bay. Once and for all.

Should really like to work on that.

But hey...Come to think of it...today isn't such a bad day at all.

Cos i get to talk to her.

She made an unexpected phone call to me.

So we got the talking.

And you should see my face got lighten up so very much during the whole conversation.

I guess you can call me a happy man now.

As apposed to that angry man from the first half of today.

Happy ending.

She really made my day.

Going Off

Gonna be getting out of this daily routine that I’ve gotten so used to all this while… for more than a week or so.

Hopefully, with a breath of new, fresh air, comes a renew vigour and boosted vitality in me, which is not easy to come by nowadays.

Wish me luck. Would you?

‘ Deja-Vu ’

I cut myself bleeding while washing my car.

Strange isn’t it? Considering car washing is a task that involves no risk in general.

It was actually an accident, I was cut by the sharp edge of the number plate while trying to wipe the dirt off it.

It all happened so fast, like in a split second, and before I knew it, my little finger was bleeding like nobody’s business.

The cut was not small enough to be a papercut, neither it is big enough to be considered a wound. But it was quite terrifying because I can actually see a tiny piece of my skin parting way with me and stayed on the surface of the number plate, and my blood were so eager to leave its host via the cut on the finger.

How appropriate.

This whole thing kind of resembling the state of my mind in such perfect, unmistakable way.

What is wrong with me, and my feeling?


Misery? Not really. Happy? No way!
Painful? Not quite. Heartache? Maybe…

Just like the condition of my little finger now.

Not deadly and yet…not exactly fine either.

I guess if the finger has a mind of its own, it will probably feel exactly the same way as my heart would do now.

Such a familiar situation. So much so it had become like some sort of routine to me.

What a vicious cycle…Over and over again.

Managed to stop the bleeding on my finger.

But it is by no means that all my problems are solved.

Maybe I could stop the external bleeding on my hand, but what about the internal one?

It is not too hurtful, but nevertheless it is bleeding. From within.

Drip…Drip…Drip…Slowly but surely.

Got Cure?

Finally…A Closure

Though things didn’t turn out for the best…but heck, I got my closure, a well-deserved one.

It is not exactly what I desired, but damn…I think I should at least be grateful, even if there is really nothing to be happy about.

At least I got my closure…I guess…