This is a Total Piece of Garbage

I am a Homosapien.
(duh…what else could u possibly be? A gorilla who is smart enough for typing & surfing the net?...)

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination.
(is this going anywhere at all?)

I am a Homosapien who lacks imagination & inspiration.
(what’s your bloody point?)

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination & inspiration & out of muse.
(what the heck are u trying to say?)

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination & inspiration & out of muse & becoming increasingly absent-minded.
(so what?)

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination & inspiration & out of muse & becoming increasingly absent-minded & feels like his energy has been sucked out totally.
(…speechless… )

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination & inspiration & out of muse & becoming increasingly absent-minded & feels like his energy has been sucked out totally hence I am both physically tired & mentally exhausted all the time.
(who cares?)

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination & inspiration & out of muse & becoming increasingly absent-minded & feels like his energy has been sucked out totally hence I am both physically tired & mentally exhausted all the time and I don’t care at all.
(if u yourself don’t care, then why should we even bother?)

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination & inspiration & out of muse & becoming increasingly absent-minded & feels like his energy has been sucked out totally hence I am both physically tired & mentally exhausted all the time and I don’t care at all but I’d still put this in writing.
( just give me the bottom line would u?!)

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination & inspiration & out of muse & becoming increasingly absent-minded & feels like his energy has been sucked out totally hence I am both physically tired & mentally exhausted all the time and I don’t care at all but I’d still put this in writing so that I could kill some time of my own.
(don’t u have anything else better to do than this?)

I am a Homosapien that lacks imagination & inspiration & out of muse & becoming increasingly absent-minded & feels like his energy has been sucked out totally hence I am both physically tired & mentally exhausted all the time and I don’t care at all but I’d still put this in writing so that I could kill some time of my own…and maybe some of yours, too.
(damnit! This is NOTHING but a piece of JUNK!!)

The Intense Feeling of Unfulfillment

Feeling so damn low about myself now.

likeBUMPINGintoAroadBLOCKofLIFE.

ORhittingAdeadENDonANoneWAYroute.

orLIKEafastcarSTUCKEDinAtrafficjam.

There’s just too much trapped energy inside of me without any channel of output.

The desire to OUTDO the old me really brings out the worst sense of dis-satisfaction and under-achieving in me.

Indeed… “I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY”

Hence I absolutely need to

GET OVER MYSELF.

Come to think of it, could my harshness on being a better me be the source of all these negativies?

I guess it is just a price to pay for setting too high of a sight for one self huh.

The Book of Loneliness

[孤独, 也是一种享受!]

This little book of Loneliness came into my possession under a very unlikely circumstance.

Perhaps Fate was behind this…

Like I was destined to rescue it from the bargain bin.

And was so intrigued by it’s subject matter that I can’t help but pay nothing less than my undivided attention to the words with every casual flip of the pages.

Otherwise how would you explain my spontaneous trip to that book fair?

Which just so happened to be a mere stone throw away from the hotel.

Of which I happened to reside during that business trip.

I wouldn’t even be able to discover this piece of gem, if any of the contributing factors above failed to work out.

Why should there even be any trip in the first place?

Why should I be the one who went on the said trip?

………………………………………………………..


Apparently in this case, self-approval and self-appreciation came in a form I least expected.

It lies somewhere between the cover, the pages, the lines, and, those words.

A Conversation

The other day I had a few words with this man I saw in the mirror, and this is how it went:

Man in the mirror: Good God! Would you look at this face of yours? Would it kill you if you could perhaps…SMILE a little bit more?

Me: I can’t help it, this is the way I am.

Man in the mirror: Give me a freakin’ break! I don’t care whatever the hell you are going through now, just get yourself together and deal with it, you should really stop dwelling in the past and let the bygone be bygone already.

Me: That’s very convenient for you to say, if you could only feel the way I am feeling now.

Man in the mirror: Oh I know all about that alright-- I am, after all, YOU! A conscience deep down inside of YOU!

I guess what I am trying to tell you is, a huge and bright and sunny smile doesn’t hurt anyone, plus there is no point for you to continue acting this way-- unless you are planning to drive people away with that less-than-happy attitude of yours.

Me: I guess you have a point there. Tell you what, I shall give this a shot and see how it goes. It sucks to be in a bad shape and constant state of demoralization anyway.

Man in the mirror: That’s the spirit! I could almost feel that you are becoming better already. Now go out there and show the world what you’ve got! Don’t forget to put on your SMILE!

Me: ALRIGHT MAN!!!

My Study Table

Welcome to my study room.

(...they said papers are made from dead trees...)

These are only a small fraction of books and mags that I have yet to go through.

What a mess, you must think, right?

Now let’s take a peek at this corner of my own room.

(…so how many dead trees does all these books and mags amount to?)

Sigh…Gasp…Crap!

Now how am I supposed to finish ALL of this?

And it is still piling up like there is no tomorrow as we speak!

It is okay for you guys to address me as ‘Bookaholics’ or ‘Magaholics’ from now on, if you must.

Constant supply + Slow reader = A disastrous book flood around the household!

Last Night a Phone Call Saved My Day

“Aiya, don’t wanna talk already”, you said, “I am kinda uncomfortable cos the phone is heating up my ear.”

Which was quite true, since both of our ears and faces were literally glued to the phone for a good half an hour throughout the whole time of us chatting over the line.

And yet I pretended like I didn’t hear your complaint and kept trying to squeeze in more topics to hold on to the conversation before I had to finally hang up in an extremely reluctant manner.

Call me greedy but I think half an hour is hardly enough for me, since we haven’t seen each other for quite a while now, you ought to update me about your recent life in details, and I too had a whole bunch of stories of my own to keep you amused.

But above all, this unexpected call from you has played a wonderful trick on me; it made me felt like I wasn’t being left behind after all and I am indeed genuinely being cared for.

And hey, I would like to remind you of that promise you made towards the end of our little chat session.

I know I won’t forget my part of the deal.

Soon we shall find time for one another to honour our words, right?

Sorry if I ever doubted you, even for a brief minute.

Cos you are the nicest and sweetest and kindest soul known to me!

In the mean time, I think I will miss you…real bad.

Quote of the Day: Douglas Coupland

“Your inability to achieve solitude makes you settle for sub-standard relationships”

“You worry that if you lower your guard, even for one second, your whole world will disintegrate into chaos”

Douglas Coupland [Shampoo Planet]


How poignant is that.

Looks like the story of my life has been summed up and told thru the words of a perfect stranger, who happens to be an internationally famed author.

Busy?

Been trying to fill in each and every second of my waking hour with something and anything to do, in an attempt to keep that deep dark empty hole inside of me occupied with some sense of purposes.

In fact, I am focusing all my energy on distracting myself with anything but sinking deep into the useless and unworthy state of emotional hoo-ha.

Talk about getting my act together, huh…

Outta Sight—Outta Mind?

How are you doing?

Good? Fine? Great? I suppose.

I, on the other hand, am not doing so well.

Maybe it’s got something to do with the feeling of uneasiness in me, for knowing our differences in life pursuits and assignment of priorities would inevitably lead us to this path of not being able to be as close as we once were.

The lack of interaction between us lately only worsens the case in hand.

Which I begin to ask myself: Are we going to eventually be reduced to nothing more than a distant memory to each other? Or even a total fade out of everything we once had?

All these mixed feelings and emotions are kind of turning me into a bit of a paranoia who questions the tangibility of the times we shared.

Miss the laughter, the teasing, those conversations, or even those arguments and non-permanent silent treatments between the two of us.

I may not have much of an impact on you now, judging from my absence in your nowadays life, but I sincerely hope that you would be much happier, with or without me, now or further into the future.

Hate myself for not being able to assimilate myself into your daily chores and agenda.

Hate myself even more for not wanting to let the bygone be bygone; to completely disregard the great memories we once had collectively.

Do you even remember me now?

Am I OUT (…from your memory…) because I am not IN (…your sight…)?

If that’s the case, then please…LET ME LET GO, would you?

But I guess I shouldn’t be mourning the losses, perhaps I should cherish every wonderfully uplifting moment we used to have with one another instead, as long as I don’t mind going through bit and pieces of those memories ALL BY MYSELF.

Is the Feeling Mutual Between Us?

Thousand apologies to those unfortunate individuals, who, happens to crossed path with me at some point of their life.

I am an absolute loser when it comes to human interaction of any kind, be it Friendship, Companionship, Partnership—basically anything that involves dealing with people other than myself.

And it doesn’t help that I have only a little, if no not at all, amount of EQ in any aspect of handling a proper relationship.

I often felt that I am way too dysfunctional to be in any kind of healthy, life-enriching relationship with anybody.

The close interaction with another human being will always led me to a state of confusion, of which I would ask myself these:


Are we really connected? Maybe you guys were just trying to be nice so that my feeling would not be hurt. Nothing More, Nothing Less.

Am I important enough for you to go that extra length and putting in effort to safe-keep this relationship, if something should come between us?

Maybe I am quite enjoyable to be with, but will you still stick around when all the fun is gone?

So Okay… Sure we might be on good terms with each other now, but will this feeling stand the test of time?

So on and so forth…

I tried my best to keep silly thoughts like these to myself, to not let it show through any of my action. Yet sadly and more often than not, I always managed to screw-up on that, which end-up upsetting the people I am with.

Sometimes I may seem careless and unfriendly, but what you didn’t realize was that I am actually dying for your attention. Yet I pretend I didn’t care because I knew that I have no rights to ask you for anything, and perhaps I am also trying not to put myself in the position of being irrationally demanding.

But you know what? I often secretly wish that you would make me feel better of myself, by means of sharing me with some of your time and telling me more tales about yourself.

These are the deep secrets I always wanted to get off my chest but were too afraid to tell, for the fear of running the risk of freaking people out with my rather intense way of thinking.

As you can see, I am so DEFENSIVE in such a way that, sometimes I wish I could be without feeling, so that I won’t get too emotionally attached to anybody.

Wish I could tell those who really cares from those who doesn’t, that way I need not invest time and energy on those that could only care less about me and consequently being spared from the pain of cold ignorance.

Do you care about me, as much as I care about you?

I certainly hope that the answer from you is affirmative.

.

What actually brings people together?
And what is keeping them in-separable thereinafter?